Dear Readers, today I am posting a testimony that I will be sharing with some ladies groups over the coming months. It is very long, much longer than a normal blog. Please forgive me this one time. I wanted to post it and ask for prayer. I am praying that this testimony will open up opportunities to share the gospel and to help women who are suffering from abuse. Please pray with me that God will do a great work and the Gospel will be presented. Also pray that lives will be changed for the glory of God. Thank you I appreciate your support.

I feel privileged to share a testimony of the goodness and grace of God. I have known Jesus for more than 40 years. So there are many accounts I could share about my life with the Lord. I decided on this one. This is the story of how God loved me and kept me through my “dark night of the soul”.

After my children had moved out, my difficult marriage became intolerable. I was not sure what to do. After extensive counseling and requests for help from spiritual leadership, things were not improving. They were getting much worse. A counselor told me that she felt that it would be best if I left home for a time until we could resolve some serious problems.

I went to stay at our other home where my daughter was living while she attended college. While living there, I attended church with her. The pastor was preaching through the book of Ephesians. He came to Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” I was ready to hear what I needed to do to be a better wife. I was shocked by what I actually heard.

Pastor Kerry said that he could not, in good conscience, teach this passage without first talking about the manipulation and abuse that often occurred by using this verse. As he spoke that day, I sobbed uncontrollably through the service. I even tried to leave more than once, but my daughter insisted that I stay because she felt I needed to hear what the pastor was saying. What I learned that day was that contrary to how I saw myself, I was not a submissive Christian wife. I was an abused woman.

That day my life changed. I started to understand the devastating truth about my marriage. I started to learn about abuse and the devastation that it brings. My life was already very difficult, and I was emotionally struggling. When this realization came, the emotional instability grew. The mental anguish at times felt unbearable.

I started to question God. I was asking why. I felt that I had fallen into a deep dark pit, and I would not ever see daylight again. It seemed that God was not there and not listening. I was praying that things would improve, but things got worse, much worse.

The downward spiral escalated one Wed in June 2009. My husband was out of town on a cruise with his family and friends. I was staying with my parents and working at vacation Bible school. Our memory verse was Isaiah 41:10 “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This verse was to minister to my heart that very night and then for the next year it was my hope.

I got a call after I went to bed that night. The caller said my son Ryan was in the hospital with a brain bleed and had lost half of his eyesight. I made the two hour trip to the hospital saying Isaiah 41:10 over and over again, 10 “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

During Ryan’s 9-day hospital stay, he had brain surgery to remove a cancerous tumor, and we learned that it was unlikely that he would regain his lost eyesight. Again over and over I repeated Isaiah 41:10.

It is very difficult to see your child suffer. It is even more difficult to go through it without the love and support of your spouse. Rather than help, this situation was complicated by my husband’s abusive tendencies and attitudes, but God got me through. I never went back home to live. I left my house, my friends, my church, and my ministries to get away from the abuse.

About a month, after this, I learned that my husband was gambling excessively. I knew for years that he would lie about gambling and make excuses to leave home so he could go to the casino. I did not know how out of control it was. And of course, he did not want to stop or be accountable for his choices. It was another difficult issue that I felt unable to deal with.

The problems kept coming. It was a year of disasters and tragedies. My 23-year-old niece passed away from spinal meningitis while she was trying to recover from an addictive lifestyle. My parent’s home burned down. My sister betrayed me, causing a rift in my family. My father, not understanding the issues, was unsupportive. Then I found out our family dog had died.

Depression overwhelmed me. But I held tenaciously to the truth that God was with me, and he would help me. The weird thing was, I didn’t have feelings of closeness to God. In fact, I felt that He was remote and distant. Through my friends, counselors, and spiritual leaders, I learned that I was suffering from something that Christians had historically called “The Dark Night of the Soul.”

During this time, I learned so much about God’s love. Although I did not feel God’s presence, I knew He was there. “fear not for I am with you” (Isaiah 41:10) I learned to walk by faith.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” (Romans 5:1–11, ESV)

Although it seemed that my world was falling apart, faith carried me through. Verses like these reinforced what I had known my whole life. God loves me, and he will do a good work in my life. I knew that God, who is able to make reconciliation for sin, was able to reconcile the pieces of my life. He alone is able to transform suffering into hope. He alone is able to pour out love into our hearts when we are consumed by shame and despair.

And I grasped hold of the fact that His love never fails. A familiar passage from Romans 8 became real and tangible. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, ‘For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:28–39, ESV)

God is faithful, compassionate, and kind. Without His love and care, I am not sure I would have made it through that tragic year. I am sure that I would not have made it through as well as I have. Without Jesus in my life, I would be without hope. But as a child of God, I know that no matter what my future holds, I do not have to be afraid. He is with me. I do not have to be distressed, disappointed or sad because He is my God. He gives me strength, He helps me and He holds me in His righteous right hand.

If anyone has questions about abuse or about the resources I found helpful, please let me know. More importantly, if you do not have a relationship with God, I would enjoy sharing the story of God’s love with you. I would like to tell you the good news of Jesus death, burial and resurrection from the dead and how that makes an eternal difference for all who would believe in Him.

“Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the ‘Beloved’. Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence.”
Henri J. M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World

I have been reading Job again, and I again had to stop and stand in awe of God. I also had to humble myself because I realized that I had a weird distrust and strange form of pride. Let me set the stage, and then I will explain.

At the end of the book Job, God basically says, “Job, quit questioning and trust me. I am God and you are not.” God lets Job know that he is in charge of the whole world. Job recognizes God’s majesty and power, so he humbles himself before The Almighty.

While reading that passage, I thought about how often I question God. I realized it was often. Every time I doubt God’s love for me, I am questioning Him. Every time I allow self-rejection to mess with my mind and spirit, I am mistrusting God. When I wonder if I matter or make a difference, I deny that God has a good plan for me.

I thought about my pride. Who am I to question God? He has clearly stated that I am loved. One of my favorite passages says, “Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:7–8, NIV). And another passage says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is” (1 John 3:1–2, NIV).

I am a child of God and I am loved. To question this truth is pride. It is to say that God does not mean what he says. Do I really think that I know more than God?

If I am to live the life God has called me to, I must see myself as the beloved. I must trust that I am precious to God. I must relinquish my pride and submit to the truth. I am loved by the God of the Universe. This is the truth.

It is my desire to have a healthy and flourishing spiritual life. I want others to be drawn to Jesus by what they see in me. So I must, like Job, say, “Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth” (Job 40:4, ESV). Then I must listen as God reminds me of His greatness, power, majesty, and love. I will accept the truth that He speaks to me, the truth that Jesus loves me.

Father, forgive me for my pride and arrogance. Thank you for loving me.

I love Christmas carols. I look forward to singing them especially at church. That’s why I was shocked to hear a young man make a comment about having to sing “the requisite number of Christmas songs”. In his immaturity, I guess he does not know enough about Christmas carols to understand their depth of meaning and how they became classics.

I bet he doesn’t know that I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day was written by Longfellow during the Civil War. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s son had been crippled in the war, a few years before this poem was written. His wife had died a few years before that. She dripped sealing was on her dress, igniting a blaze. Her husband was there and put out the blaze, but his precious companion died from her injuries. As the war raged on and he grieved his losses, he wrote,

And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!”

I wonder if the young man who feels forced to sing Christmas carols knew that God Rest Ye Merry, Gentleman was written as a modern alternative to stuffy old church songs. It was well received and became a popular hit. Charles Dickens referenced it in A Christmas Carol, adding to its popularity.

God rest you merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
For Jesus Christ our Saviour
Was born upon this day,
To save us all from Satan’s power
When we were gone astray:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

One of the most prolific hymn writers of all time, Isaac Watts, wrote Joy to the World. He wrote over 750 songs, and this is one of the most popular. It was not written as a Christmas song, but rather a song of exuberant praise. It caught on as a Christmas carol, because it reminds us that his coming was a time of hope and joy, as is the celebration of Christmas.

Joy to the world! the Lord is come;
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare him room,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

I could go on. There are many more Christmas carols with amazing stories and compelling lyrics. But the point is made. Christmas carols are not just a meaningless holiday tradition that we are required to include in our celebrations. They are hymns of praise. They are a reminder of the goodness of God. Christmas carols are a call to celebrate God’s goodness in the midst of winter and the winters of the soul.

These ancient hymns connect us with our heritage and our brothers and sisters who have travelled the road before us. They are songs of God’s triumph over the power of sin and death. In my life, I do not feel that a requisite number have to be included, I feel that it is a privilege to praise God using these words, penned by Greats of the Faith. I pray that some day the young man who feels obligated to sing Christmas carols will grasp hold of this rich heritage and rejoice with the ancients.

“God is not dead,” so “Do not be dismayed,” for “He comes to make His blessings flow”. Merry Christmas.

Over the past few days, I have been getting ready for the Christmas season. It is upon us once again. In my Bible study and devotion time, I have been reflecting on celebration and joy. This has been a great study for Christmas time because I tend to get bogged down by the busyness of the season, losing my joy. But a joyful renewal filled my heart mind when two seemingly random events occurred yesterday.

What were the two events? I snuggled with my granddaughter enjoying a few quiet moments alone with her, and I read the words to “O Come All Ye Faithful.”

Last night I was hanging out with my son and his family. As the evening wore on I was getting a little tired and thought it was time to go home. As I suggested that I might leave, my granddaughter Greta got very upset. She wanted me to stay and put her to bed. Because it mattered so much to her, I stayed.

Over the next hour, I told her stories, and we snuggled in her bed. We laughed. We lay quietly. She hugged me. We celebrated and were joyful in the moment. Every time I moved, she said,” Don’t go.” It didn’t matter if I was trying to leave or not, she kept reiterating her desire for me to stay. And the truth was, I didn’t want to leave either. Why? Because we were having fun! We were enjoying our simple, quiet time together. I did have to leave eventually.

On the way home, I was listening to Christmas music. One of the songs was, “O Come All Ye Faithful.” I kept thinking about the song when I got home, so I decided to read the words.

Originally the song was written in Latin and is called “Adeste Fideles.” This literally means, be near or present you faithful ones (Osbeck 367). It is the hymn writers cry for us to stay close to Jesus.

The implications are profound. The great God of Heaven, ruler of the universe came down as a baby. One of the reasons for doing this was so He could draw near to us. Then we could draw near to Him, enjoying God in space and time history. He has come into our world. One verse of “O Come all Ye Faithful” says it this way “Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing”. The Bible says, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth…For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace” (John 1:14 and 16 ESV).

A central theme of the Christmas story is the fact that God came to be with mankind. “’Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel’ (which means, God with us)” (Matthew 1:23, ESV). Jesus came to be with us, and he desires us to come, to be near or be present so we can enjoy and fellowship with Him.

He says to come when we are tired (Matt 11:28), when we feel exhausted from the busyness of life. In the quiet places, He lies down and snuggles with us, telling us stories of His love and grace. He stays with us. And He enjoys this time. He wants to be with us, in the moment, celebrating. And the celebration need be nothing more than the fact that we are together and it is fun. And the best part is, He never has to leave. “For he has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’” (Hebrews 13:5, ESV).

“O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.”

I had an amazing thing happen last night. I had a tune-up on my computer and my anti-viral protection updated. No, that isn’t the amazing part. The amazing thing is that I had it done in my home and I didn’t have to do it. The technician did all the work on my computer remotely.

I realize that this is not so incredible in this day and age, but for someone who remembers life before the internet, Wi-Fi, and the Geek Squad, I was astonished. For a while, I watched the cursor move around the screen. It was weird. My computer was controlled by a power I could not see or touch. But it was a good thing.

My computer needed the virus protection update. I also needed the hard drive cleaned up. Old unnecessary files were removed. The technician also defragmented files. Now my computer works better, faster and is less likely to be hacked or crash.

This wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t called the Geek Squad and asked for help. I would not have achieved the results I was looking for if I had not trusted the technician. It was necessary that I allowed him to take complete control, although that was kind of scary. I also had to allow him to complete his work without aborting the process.

I had freewill and many choices to make in this process, but did little actual work. The technician had the knowledge and power to make the necessary changes. I needed to give the responsibility to him and wait. It took a couple of hours, and it was impossible to hurry the process. I’m glad I waited though. The results were worth it.

As I sat watching the cursor move magically across the screen. I realized that my heart and mind needed a tune-up. I need to call out to God. I needed His Spirit to move across my mind and heart solving issues and preventing future problems.

I would have to call and ask Him though. He won’t just take over. I have a part in the process. I don’t have the skill and knowledge to make the changes, but I have to trust God and give Him control so He can. It seems weird to sit back and allow another being to have control of my most personal data. I must allow him access to my thoughts, emotions, memories and feelings though. It is necessary if I am going to be a useful and functional instrument for the kingdom of God.

I have old junk that needs to be cleaned out of my heart and mind. I have the potential for serious mental viruses that can cause great damage. If I do not allow God the access and time to work on my mind and heart, I will be in trouble. I must call the Great Technician and turn over control so He can do a great work in me.

I’m glad my computer is working better, but I will be even more excited as I see the changes that God makes in me!