I was excited that I had trusted Jesus as my Savior. I wanted to live for him. I was young, but I understood that it was important to walk in obedience. We sang songs like “Trust and obey” and “Living For Jesus”. But there was a problem. I misunderstood the implications of living for Jesus. Somehow, I thought that he gave me a new chance, that would be like a do over. I thought I had the opportunity to live right, and that would prevent suffering and brokenness.
My ideas were to be proven wrong over and over again, but it took a long time for me to admit that my thinking was wrong. I thought that God had saved me to keep me from being broken again. I believed that if I studied the Bible, prayed faithfully, and lived as obediently as possible I could prevent further brokenness. I thought all of the pain, struggle, and sin that I suffered from was my inability to stick with God’s plan. If I just worked harder at learning the lessons God had for me, I thought I could prevent suffering and brokenness. So I worked hard at living for Jesus.
It seemed to go pretty well for a while. My life appeared ideal from the outside. I lived in a beautiful place, in a nice home. I had three beautiful, bright children that were well behaved and loved Jesus. I attended a nice church and had good friends. I lived close to my supportive family. I was involved in ministries that were reaching people with God’s love. My husband worked hard to provide for us. We went on wonderful vacations.
For the most part, I felt blessed. There were issues though. Neglect, anger, and verbal abuse were part of my life too. Although I tried hard to see the bright side and look at the good, these issues wore on my soul and spirit. I thought that if I could pray more, serve more, study more, then the pain in my soul would go away. I was upset with myself for not overcoming in the face of adversity. My constant thought was, “I need to trust God more”.
I spent a long time in a vicious cycle. I tried to be “more”, then I would feel guilty that it wasn’t enough. God had redeemed my sorry soul from the pit of hell. He bought me and made me into a new creation. I had been recycled to give glory to God, but I was getting broken again.
Then my year of unbearable tragedy hit. I stopped striving to protect myself from brokenness because it was an impossible task. That year my brokenness turned into depression. I felt like I was too big of an emotional wreck to bring glory to God. One question plagued my mind. Could God ever use me again?
During this time of severe brokenness, I learned that the Christian life I was trying to live was an ideal I made up, not the life that God expected. I wasn’t letting him down. When I started studying brokenness, I found the truth. God made it clear that he understands our brokenness and continues to love us.
He worked through the Apostle Paul who said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15 NIV). He also understands that the sin of others can break us. David was loved by God and part of God’s eternal plan. He suffered great emotional anguish over the sins of some close to him. “My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me…If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend” (Psalm 55:4-5,12-13 NIV).
And of course, Jesus glorified God with his life and he was broken, “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5 NIV).
During my healing process, I learned many things, but one lesson stood out and changed my view of the Christian life. God didn’t save me to live a life free from pain, suffering or brokenness. God saved me to glorify him. I realized that all of the great saints of history who had glorified God, suffered some kind of brokenness. I think God can use me.