“God loves you unconditionally, as you are and not as you should be, because nobody is as they should be.”
Brennan Manning

Like everyone else on the planet, I went through an extremely difficult time of brokenness. During this time period, I struggled with my concept of self-value and whether I was loved. It didn’t help that some of the people around me used phrases that were detrimental to my mental well being. Comments like, “You need to get over this, or you’ll be of no use to anyone”, and “You’re a mess”. I knew I was a mess so I had trouble believing that I could be loved or of any value. I even doubted God’s ability to love me. Of course, this was a testimony to my lack of faith, not a commentary on God’s faithfulness. In my despair, I sought help from God’s people. The counsel I received and the further study that I pursued led me first to a deeper faith and trust in God’s love. Later I began to realize I had value.
I made it through this time with the love and compassion of some wonderful friends, my family, and wisdom from God’s people. The Lord sent an empathetic pastor who said he couldn’t make things better, but he knew that I was loved. Pastor Charles shared about his own personal struggles and what God had taught him. He reassured me with the fact that I was loved.
I discovered that I was suffering from what the ancients called, “The Dark Night of the Soul”. I felt that God was unhappy with me, so he had pulled away from me. In actuality, he was never nearer. He was teaching me that my brokenness was a beneficial thing, and an excellent opportunity for his glory to shine. He drew me close and let me know that I am loved.
Abba’s Child, by Brennan Manning. taught me more about the love of God. I bought the book because the blurb on the back cover started with these words, “Many Christians have bought into the lie that we are worthy of God’s love only when our lives are going well.” I felt that I was being rejected and devalued by my Christian community because of this lie. The book reassured me that God’s view of me was different from the prevailing views. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “God will use your brokenness to bless many people”.
I had hope because I am loved. “May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ”
(2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV). I came back to the basics of my faith. “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” I was still struggling with value though. “Renewing of the mind” was going to take some time. I’ll discuss this in the next blog.

*For more information on The Dark Night of the Soul, see John Coe’s “MUSINGS ON THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL: INSIGHTS FROM ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS ON A DEVELOPMENTAL SPIRITUALITY
Coe, J. H. n. page. http://goo.gl/rhPXFC