How do we determine our value? In previous lessons, we have discussed the world’s distorted view of what is valuable. Have we succumbed to the world’s convoluted ideas on what is valuable? Do we judge ourselves based on an arbitrary standard that has been set by society? It is easy to do.
Although it is hard to understand our value, we must be worth something, God loves us. Knowing that I am loved by the Almighty Creator is staggering. Knowing that he values me is almost unbelievable. I had to figure out why I questioned my value. What had I learned that needed relearning?
I had unwittingly succumbed to the lies of this world. My self-esteem was based on performance. I had learned that if I did well, I received love (or at least affirmation and affection). As long as I had a solid reputation for my good life, everything seemed to be wonderful. This lie was eventually exposed. When my hard work, brought shattered dreams, failure, pain and brokenness, my self-worth plummeted and rightfully so.
If my worth is based on my performance, then I will never measure up. I will never be the smartest, the most talented, the friendliest, the best, the most righteous, etc. On the other hand if my value is based on my rarity and uniqueness, an intrinsic value and worth given to me by the Creator, then I am precious and beloved
“Jesus didn’t say, ‘Blessed are those who care for the poor.’ He said, ‘Blessed are we where we are poor, where we are broken.’ It is there that God loves us deeply and pulls us into deeper communion with himself” (Henri Nouwen). In God’s value system my brokenness isn’t a problem, it is part of my uniqueness. It doesn’t deter him from loving me.
Since I am forgiven, my sin and my brokenness no longer inhibit a loving relationship with my Abba, Father. “Our courteous Lord does not want his servants to despair because they fall often and grievously; for our falling does not hinder him in loving us” (Julian of Norwich). If Christ loved me so much that while I was still a sinner, he died for me, of course he loves me now that I am in his family. In this fact, I find my value.
The world says that we find our value in what we do. The Bible says that Jesus determined our value. “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:9–10, NIV).
I cannot understand it, but I am so valuable that God Almighty died to redeem me. He bought me when I had been discarded as trash. I cannot comprehend what value he sees, but I am in no position to argue with God. I am broken, but not trash.

“God loves you unconditionally, as you are and not as you should be, because nobody is as they should be.”
Brennan Manning

Like everyone else on the planet, I went through an extremely difficult time of brokenness. During this time period, I struggled with my concept of self-value and whether I was loved. It didn’t help that some of the people around me used phrases that were detrimental to my mental well being. Comments like, “You need to get over this, or you’ll be of no use to anyone”, and “You’re a mess”. I knew I was a mess so I had trouble believing that I could be loved or of any value. I even doubted God’s ability to love me. Of course, this was a testimony to my lack of faith, not a commentary on God’s faithfulness. In my despair, I sought help from God’s people. The counsel I received and the further study that I pursued led me first to a deeper faith and trust in God’s love. Later I began to realize I had value.
I made it through this time with the love and compassion of some wonderful friends, my family, and wisdom from God’s people. The Lord sent an empathetic pastor who said he couldn’t make things better, but he knew that I was loved. Pastor Charles shared about his own personal struggles and what God had taught him. He reassured me with the fact that I was loved.
I discovered that I was suffering from what the ancients called, “The Dark Night of the Soul”. I felt that God was unhappy with me, so he had pulled away from me. In actuality, he was never nearer. He was teaching me that my brokenness was a beneficial thing, and an excellent opportunity for his glory to shine. He drew me close and let me know that I am loved.
Abba’s Child, by Brennan Manning. taught me more about the love of God. I bought the book because the blurb on the back cover started with these words, “Many Christians have bought into the lie that we are worthy of God’s love only when our lives are going well.” I felt that I was being rejected and devalued by my Christian community because of this lie. The book reassured me that God’s view of me was different from the prevailing views. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “God will use your brokenness to bless many people”.
I had hope because I am loved. “May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ”
(2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV). I came back to the basics of my faith. “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” I was still struggling with value though. “Renewing of the mind” was going to take some time. I’ll discuss this in the next blog.

*For more information on The Dark Night of the Soul, see John Coe’s “MUSINGS ON THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL: INSIGHTS FROM ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS ON A DEVELOPMENTAL SPIRITUALITY
Coe, J. H. n. page. http://goo.gl/rhPXFC

We have regrettably brought the idea of perfection into our churches. We have invited God to help us attain a perfect life. It seems odd that the life we envision is more like the American Dream than like the life the Bible speaks about. The life of the Bible, in which we are required to count the costs, take up our cross, or consider persecution blessed opportunity. We sometimes think the Christian life is God helping us attain the American Dream. We work hard to serve God and walk in obedience believing that we will avoid suffering. When our perfect life doesn’t materialize, we start to think that God is not concerned about us, or worse, that he is angry with us.
When I suffered from a less than perfect life, my first response was to try to be better for God. Although I did question whether God cared, I knew the Bible, and of course God cared. There was too much evidence. So I decided I had let God down, and if I just work harder, then he would give me the American Dream Christian Life. I actually believed that if I had learned the lessons God had tried to teach me, then I could have avoided the pain and brokenness.
These ideas were not what I intellectually espoused; I knew that the Scripture said that we would suffer in our service of Jesus. “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Peter 4:12). I understood that people could sin against us. “Many have become my enemies without cause; those who hate me without reason are numerous” (Psalm 38:19). I knew that people all across the world were martyred for the cause of Christ and yet they trusted God. “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies” (Psalm 118:6–7). Somehow I still allowed the influence of my culture to affect my attitudes, and believed that my life was going to be “perfect”.
When the myth was exposed, I had a choice. I could believe God’s Word, or I could live in disappointment and despair. God said to the hurting, fearful, and despairing, do not be afraid for I am with you always. I was the hurting, fearful and despairing. I had to accept the fact that I was broken and know in my head and heart that God didn’t expect perfection. He expected faith and trust.
“Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him” (Psalm 37:3–7).

I was excited that I had trusted Jesus as my Savior. I wanted to live for him. I was young, but I understood that it was important to walk in obedience. We sang songs like “Trust and obey” and “Living For Jesus”. But there was a problem. I misunderstood the implications of living for Jesus. Somehow, I thought that he gave me a new chance, that would be like a do over. I thought I had the opportunity to live right, and that would prevent suffering and brokenness.
My ideas were to be proven wrong over and over again, but it took a long time for me to admit that my thinking was wrong. I thought that God had saved me to keep me from being broken again. I believed that if I studied the Bible, prayed faithfully, and lived as obediently as possible I could prevent further brokenness. I thought all of the pain, struggle, and sin that I suffered from was my inability to stick with God’s plan. If I just worked harder at learning the lessons God had for me, I thought I could prevent suffering and brokenness. So I worked hard at living for Jesus.
It seemed to go pretty well for a while. My life appeared ideal from the outside. I lived in a beautiful place, in a nice home. I had three beautiful, bright children that were well behaved and loved Jesus. I attended a nice church and had good friends. I lived close to my supportive family. I was involved in ministries that were reaching people with God’s love. My husband worked hard to provide for us. We went on wonderful vacations.
For the most part, I felt blessed. There were issues though. Neglect, anger, and verbal abuse were part of my life too. Although I tried hard to see the bright side and look at the good, these issues wore on my soul and spirit. I thought that if I could pray more, serve more, study more, then the pain in my soul would go away. I was upset with myself for not overcoming in the face of adversity. My constant thought was, “I need to trust God more”.
I spent a long time in a vicious cycle. I tried to be “more”, then I would feel guilty that it wasn’t enough. God had redeemed my sorry soul from the pit of hell. He bought me and made me into a new creation. I had been recycled to give glory to God, but I was getting broken again.
Then my year of unbearable tragedy hit. I stopped striving to protect myself from brokenness because it was an impossible task. That year my brokenness turned into depression. I felt like I was too big of an emotional wreck to bring glory to God. One question plagued my mind. Could God ever use me again?
During this time of severe brokenness, I learned that the Christian life I was trying to live was an ideal I made up, not the life that God expected. I wasn’t letting him down. When I started studying brokenness, I found the truth. God made it clear that he understands our brokenness and continues to love us.
He worked through the Apostle Paul who said, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15 NIV). He also understands that the sin of others can break us. David was loved by God and part of God’s eternal plan. He suffered great emotional anguish over the sins of some close to him. “My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me…If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend” (Psalm 55:4-5,12-13 NIV).
And of course, Jesus glorified God with his life and he was broken, “But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5 NIV).
During my healing process, I learned many things, but one lesson stood out and changed my view of the Christian life. God didn’t save me to live a life free from pain, suffering or brokenness. God saved me to glorify him. I realized that all of the great saints of history who had glorified God, suffered some kind of brokenness. I think God can use me.