“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.” (Psalm 51:1–2, NRSV)
Remorse and Repentance are similar words. In our culture, they are often used interchangeably. There is a difference though. Remorse is in essence feeling guilty. It is the self-reproach that you feel after you have realized you have true guilt. Repentance is remorse, feeling guilty, with a change of mind and plan to do what is right.
I was once in a relationship with someone who was often remorseful, but rarely repentant. It was an easy habit for him to apologize. Saying he was sorry was a form of penance that helped to ease his mind of the guilt he was feeling. He apologized often and easily. He also took back apologies just as swiftly as he gave them. This always seemed odd to me. I now understand. He was truly remorseful, but not repentant.
In this same relationship, I was accused of being prideful and unwilling to admit my mistakes. This baffled me. I felt that I took responsibility for the things I knew were wrong, and I made efforts to change them. I eventually understood. I apologized when I was repentant. I didn’t say, “I’m sorry”, easily. I took the time to work through the issue. When I came to the conclusion that I was guilty and needed to change, I made a plan to change the sinful behavior, and I then apologized. When I said I was sorry, I meant it, and with the Lord’s help I made every effort to change the sinful behavior.
To be fair, I was not perfectly repentant, nor was the man I am speaking about never repentant. I am speaking of overarching patterns and habitual choices. Patterns and choices that are either healthy and building relationships, or patterns and choices that are harmful and destructive.
There are many examples of remorse and repentance in the Bible. Saul was remorseful. He felt sad about his sinful pursuit of David. He even cried. He declared David’s righteousness and his sinfulness. But, Saul did not repent. He did not change his ways. He did not deal with his sin before God. He genuinely felt bad, but had no plans to change and do what was right. He wanted to be free to choose his own way and be guilt free in doing it. He chose selfishness over selflessness.
David, on the other hand, knew that his sin was not just about his guilt feelings. He knew that he had truly offended God and needed to turn from his sinful ways. In Psalm 51, David asks God to wash away iniquity and cleanse him from sin. David wants change in his life. He didn’t just want the distressing feelings to go away, he wanted the sin gone too.
Judas betrayed Jesus and felt guilty. He committed suicide because he was remorseful. Peter denied Jesus and was repentant. He felt remorse, but he took it a step further. He repented and proclaimed Jesus openly until the day he was martyred for the Lord.
From all of these examples, we can see that remorse doesn’t bring change. Change occurs when we repent. If we stop with remorse, the self introspection will be detrimental to us and harm our relationships. If our remorse leads to a turning from sin and an alignment with God, it becomes repentance. Repentance leads to a focus on others and a building of relationships. Repentance leads to a life submitted to Jesus and freedom from sin and its effects. Choose repentance.
